When Reality Bites

It's been a while I wanted to share about this topic.

If you know me you probably already know that I share quite often about how we can all learn and grow from reality's feedback.

But I didn't get the chance to deep dive into the subject of reality, and this is what I want to remedy today.

So what do I mean when I talk about "reality"?

Here are two ways to go about the concept:

1- Reality as what's real, tangible, concrete.

In a nutshell, here we are talking about objective reality.

It is measurable, factual, tangible, can be manipulated or altered when we interact with it, and it does not depend on the observer’s perception, feelings, sensations or beliefs/opinions.

Example: “It's 20 degrees Celsius outside according to the thermometer.”

2- Reality as the perception of what's real.

In a nutshell, here we are talking about subjective reality.

It varies greatly depending on the perception of the observer.

There are probably as many subjective “realities” as observers.

We are meaning-making machines; when using the subjective view of reality, the observer will draw a subjective meaning from his/her perception, feelings, sensations or beliefs/opinions.

Example: The observer declares: “It is chilly today, it’s 20 degrees Celsius outside.”

We all alternate between an objective and subjective perception of reality, which makes it very difficult to navigate.

We have to learn how to deal with reality’s feedback, no matter which one we’re dealing with.

What is reality’s feedback, and why does it matter?

We all go about life making decisions and taking actions towards specific goals.

Reality’s feedback is when, outside of our own will, something interferes that disrupts the course of our actions or our goals. It can happen at any stage after the decision-making process, so for instance while taking action or while reaching our goals.

It is important to know how to recognize and answer to reality’s feedback as a monitoring process, so that we can adjust, reevaluate or change our goals.

This monitoring process is also what allows us to learn from our “mistakes”, avoid bad outcomes, improve our capacity to set goals and achieve them, grow, and ultimately step into our life purpose.

As an example, a young man might decide to pursue a medical degree, and will consistently put efforts and dedication into the realization of this goal. Reality’s feedback for him might show up like this:

• Despite his work and dedication he didn’t have passing grades

• He fell sick at the most important and final exam

• His mom fell sick and he had to quit to take care of her

• He qualified but in another specialty than the one he wanted to pursue

• He lost his job and doesn’t have enough money to continue paying the bills during his student years

In all of these possible scenarii, this student will have to find the meaning behind reality’s feedback and in what ways he should change his goals, his actions or his decision to move forward.

It is crucial to ponder reality’s feedback as soon as it happens, without delaying the process. The risk is to bypass important information that could lead to repeating similar negative feedback in the future.

This is in a nutshell the lesson from the motto: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

By listening to reality’s feedback, we make sure to do our best to optimize for the best outcomes instead of staying in autopilot.

When reality’s feedback is perceived objectively:

Pro tip: Listen to it! 

It shows factual ways in which your actions are aligned with your goals, or if you have decent chance of reaching your goals.

Example: Let’s take the case of the medical student not having passing grades.

If he really gave his very all for an entire year of study and still struggled to have passing grades, he should ask himself if he is in the right field for him.

What would be the objective indication of a field that would best suit him? A field in which giving his absolute best will give outstanding results almost effortlessly.

Another example, this time if the medical student qualified, but in another specialty than the one he wanted to pursue.

This reality’s feedback reveals that he’s currently not needed in the field he wanted.

It could be an indication that he should pursue a path in which his talents are wanted and appreciated.

When reality’s feedback is perceived subjectively:

 Pro-tip: Know yourself!

The more you know yourself the more you’ll have an idea of what these life events mean for you.

Example: In the case of the medical student’s decision to quit to take care of his sick mother.

His decision was his. He could have decided differently; among possible options, he could have asked for another family member to stay at her side, or choose to delay his studies for a year, work part-time to pay for her care, among others, but he ultimately chose to quit to take care of her.

What this decision attests is that depending on his feelings, values, priorities and options, this was the best option for him at that time.

Each of his potential justifications to choosing to quit to take care of her are valid, and lead him to know more about himself.

Did he choose to quit because he felt it was his duty? What does that say about him?

Did he choose to quit based on his morals? What does that say about him?

Did he choose to quit based on the status (or lack-thereof) this will give him? What does that say about him?

Did he choose to quit based on a self-sacrificing stance? What does that say about him?

Now let’s take the example of the medical student who fell sick at the time of his final exam.

Even if falling sick is objectively a physical condition that can be diagnosed and treated based on medical evidence and biological factors, this condition can also be perceived subjectively, as the experience of being sick is influenced by personal perceptions, feelings, and beliefs.

How one feels while sick, the severity of symptoms, and the overall experience can vary widely from person to person, and therefore the subject should evaluate his ability to have more or less consciously aligned himself to experience such an outcome at that time.

Did he become ill through self-sabotage? What does that say about him and his ability to achieve his goals? 

Did he become ill as a result of too much stress? What does that say about him and his ability to achieve his goals? 

Did he become ill from poor living conditions or lifestyle? What does it say about him and his ability to reach his goals?

The more you know yourself the more you can draw from these difficult lessons to learn what is best aligned with who you are.

You will spend less time and energy stuck in the negativity of reality’s feedback and will be more inclined to use its insights for your benefit.

Conclusion

There is so much more to say about this subject, but to conclude I will say that reality’s feedback is a great ally for each and everyone of us to become the best version of ourselves.

If we pay attention to them and are able to learn from them, no reality bites truly come to harm, but to push us in the direction of our best life path.

The way we assess meaning, adjust and act upon reality’s feedback, objectively or subjectively, serve a bigger purpose in our journey of self-discovery and should be carefully pondered to guide us in the right way.

Not sure about how to deal with reality’s feedback?

Consider my Transform Your Reality coaching program.