Why relationships are so hard to navigate, and how knowing your personality type can help

Introduction You met someone. You might have dated each other (or not), you might have taken your time before saying you were in love (or not), you might have wanted to make the relationship official or tie the knot (or not), but there you are, years deep into this relationship, that now feels a bit different from how it felt like at the beginning. What led you here is a mix of biological, psychological, social and individual factors that can be very different for each person, but that everyone in a relationship needs to be aware of to have a fulfilling relationship.

While trying to figure this out might require a lot of work, personality typing makes the process easier by bringing understanding into each partner's universe, and therefore by bringing an opportunity for better communication, better conflict resolution and better alignment for both within the relationship. Let's brake it down.

The biological aspect

First, hormones. Needless to say, men and women have different hormones, which leads to varied approaches to romance, intimacy, and sex. The end goal of this biological wiring is of course reproduction, if possible. These fundamental differences are already a lot to keep in mind when addressing issues within the couple, as they can dramatically change the vision, priorities, focus and goals of each partners, and can also shape their gender roles accordingly. While modern society is trying to put these differences to the back burner, they cannot be discarded within relationship dynamics and can be a real source of misunderstandings, conflict, resentment and other potential love-killers. In the world of personality typing, these differences are not addressed because its focus is mostly cognitive, and not biological. But through research, we now know that some personality traits are statistically higher among men (for example the preference for the Thinking trait), while others are statistically higher among women (for example the preference for the Feeling trait), which redefines the biological implications of personality traits. Understanding these traits and the way they forge the person's cognition according to their biology is another way to understand your partner in a profound way. Remember, everything biological is psychological (your brain is in your body after all.) Then, life seasons. Meeting your partner in your 20s vs your 30s , 40s, 50s and beyond looks very different. You'll have to be realistic about what season of life you and your partner are in before entering the relationship to make it work. Understanding both your personality types enables you to recognize the consistent traits in yourself or your partner, regardless of physical changes, emotional fluctuations, and the passage of time. Knowing that your core personality traits will remain the same over time can bring considerable security and peace to your relationship; even if you change physically or evolve differently with the seasons of life, there will be no doubt that you are both still the same people you were when you first met. When both partners acknowledge and cherish each other's core self, it creates the foundation for a lasting relationship.

The psychological aspect Every individual is different. We don't feel, think or act the same way, even if we have the same personality type as someone else.

A couple is the meeting of two universes. Inevitably, when these two universes collide, frictions can arise.

They can be brought by wide differences (example: a Feeler vs a Thinker), or paradoxically, by too many similarities (when both react the same way under stress, who will break the cycle and intervene differently?) Personality typing helps bring light on these similarities and differences, so that both parties are aware of the each other's universes.

They can be the result of an imbalance or a misunderstanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses. Acknowledging our weaknesses in a relationship might not feel particularly tempting for some, but can bring humility, resilience, resourcefulness, and creativity to the relationship. Personality typing can help you identify your relationship's strengths and weaknesses, which is essential for understanding which areas to encourage and which to delegate. What can also bring tensions and create conflict in a relationship are the blind areas of our perception. We all have blind spots and areas to work on, but when caught in the daily things or when a conflict arise, most people tend to see themselves as flawless. Blind spots are very tricky to identify because, as their name says it, we are completely blind to them, so unless someone else points them out to us we are not aware they exist. When we interact with someone different than us, the other is aware of our blind spot but we aren't, and vice versa. One's blind spot perception is especially shallow when in the "automatic mode" or "self-preservation mode", which can create dramatic disconnection in the couple. Personality typing helps identify and recognize each other's blind spots so that you know what to expect in each other. Know exactly the areas in which you and your partner should improve, so that both of you are aware of these default "flaws" and how to correct or bypass them is another key for a fulfilling and long-lasting relationship.

It is often difficult, even in a couple who believes in continuous self-growth, to pinpoint at how to grow individually and as a couple.

As Carl G. Jung said, "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed". Couples can easily "grow apart" when they focus on their self-growth, while they can build together when they know how to grow together. Personality typing again is very helpful to know exactly how to do that.

The social aspect The social context of the relationship matters. Self image vs social image. Did you choose your partner thinking about meeting someone else's expectations? Did you choose your partner based on his/her social status? Did you want to keep your relationship private? While personality typing doesn't necessarily focus on the social aspect of relationships, knowing both your preferences for traits as Extraversion or Introversion and understand how cognitive functions work and interact with the world brings light into the social aspect of relationships. For example, some types are openly more social, and will place social status and social interactions as a high criteria in the relationship, while other types will relegate it down the list.

Family dynamics is another potential area of conflict in a relationship. Again, even if personality typing doesn't address that from the get go, it definitely can bring light into conflict resolution with other family members by knowing their personality type. It can help bring understanding, empathy, improve communication and gives opportunities to resolve specific issues that could arise because of personality clashes. Personality is something that fluctuates according to the interaction between the person's inner world and external world. Therefore the social context of a relationship is never to be excluded. Personality typing sheds light into the couple's social dynamics and its potential future for the relationship.

Other aspects to consider

Values, mindset, habits, growth, education, individual baggage, addictions, mental health issues, socio-economic context etc can all play a role within a relationship, and can bring tremendous complexity to the equation. While personality typing doesn't address these questions directly, it might help indirectly by helping individuals know themselves better; by doing that, true healing can take place more easily, by bringing the best in oneself and then in one another, instead of being focused on each other's differences, weaknesses or blind spots. In long-lasting relationships, differences in values, growth or education can be acknowledged and used as leverage for the couple. Habits, mindset, individual baggage, addictions or mental health issues can be changed or healed. Context eventually doesn't matter because both are at a place in their lives where they feel strong enough in their skin and relationship that they can deal with whatever shows up.

Conclusion

To conclude, I believe that by tapping consistently into the specific areas where each other can continue to truly love each other for who they really are (with weaknesses, blind spots, flaws and all), support and complement each other, heal and grow together, despite life's challenges or the passing of time, is something that can be achieved more easily thanks to the deep core understanding that personality typing provides. Even if it doesn't define exhaustively who a person is, how they think, feel or behave, personality typing offers a window into one's cognition, and therefore into their world. More importantly, it allows to predict what will and what won't work within the relationship, and provides keys to improve communication styles, to bring awareness into perceptual issues, and offers key solutions for conflict resolution. Are you curious about your personality type or your partner's? Book a typing session with me now